My words are my faith-to hell with our good name.
A remix of your guts-your insides X-rayed
And one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster
we're a bull, your ears are just a china shop
I love you in the same way, there's a chapel in a hospital
One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door
Sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills.
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

it feels like my life has been moving in great cycles for the past, oh, four or five years. every time i come up, i think i can change the world. but every winter, i go down the same way. i could handle different dark points in life, that's natural, but it's always the same. i am still the same person that i thought i could live with, but it all boils down to uncertainty.

i hate how pretentious i come off ninety percent of the time. i hate how self-centered i actually am. i hate apologizing, but i'm still sorry.

about yourself, but honey what are you going to do?
and you can sleep in a coffin but the past ain't through with you...

...i feel like i should confess that i ditched on the homecoming dance after a vaguely disastrous dinner. just couldn't do it. don't worry, my date had already cancelled, so it wasn't like anyone minded overmuch.

trying to decide which of multiple piece of crap writings to put up here. trying to decide which of multiple people i'm going to be today. trying to decide whether or not i should read my new book 'wintergirls' even though flipping page-to-page has already informed me that it will probably trigger the hell out of me. that last one has already been decided, though, because i like to play with fire.

going to cross country districts on monday. fingers crossed... going to a concert tuesday, because i'm being peer-pressured by my friends... it's civil twilight, who are alright but i actually wanted to see hawthorne heights, except i am not allowed to go to a concert alone. oh well, it still should be fun. and going to turn down the invitation i got to go see paranormal activity tonight. i already know the plot, but i've heard that it's scary as hell from some people that aren't easily scared, and quite honestly, i'm still trying to get back into a normal sleeping pattern, i can't afford to lose any. yes, sleep is gooooood. i've only ever seen a few horror movies that i liked, i just don't really care to be scared artificially. trust me, i've had nightmares more vivid than any big screen could pretend to be. there is scarier stuff out there, boys and girls, and sometimes it's all in your mind.

this journal is now too long, and therefore annoys me and i want to delete it all. instead i'm going to submit, just so you all know i'm not dead yet.

I wanna watch the way you
Take the stage by storm
The way you wrap those boys around your finger
Go on and play the leader
'Cause you know it's what you're good at
The low road for the fast track
Make every second last...

Whoa, wait a minute.
Somehow my 5000 pageview is sneaking up on me??
i blame you guys. thanks ^^

so right now i'm playing happy, involved, well-adjusted high school girl. it's kind of like playing house, only more complicated. in case you happen to care that means cross-country, band color guard, and the fall musical. and pre-calc. nasty nasty precalc. things are actually balancing pretty well at the moment, so nicely that i'm almost afraid to breathe.

i know it's almost totally out of character, but i'm a little bit excited about homecoming. i've only ever been to one high school dance. it was painful and stupid. but my best friend has convinced me to go with her group. she's loaning me everything from a dress to a date. seriously. how could i say no? the dress is gorgeous. so i'm going. i'm going to put on too much makeup and go dance with strange boys, and screw the rest of the world. i've only got one more year of high school, it better be worth it.

like i said. don'tbreathe don'ttrip don'tlookdown! i don't want to get hurt. autumn is too pretty. i feel too strong. things are going too well. :]

[link] <<< i has a tumblr. don't expect it to say anything meaningful. i only just discovered tumblr like three days ago, but it looked heaps better than the other socialnetworking sites which i shun. if you have one link me and i'll follow

so while i was gone, people to people sent me an invitation to australia. it's been sitting on the mail table for like two weeks because my mom didn't know what people to people was. i kind of flipped out, but in a good way. i didn't even apply or anything, they solicited ME. ^^ i don't know if i'll be able to go or not, but just being asked made me happy.

i'll write something soon, i guess. just too much stuff that i'd rather be doing at the moment, like laying in the sun, and watching mindless television, and running. oh lord the running. cross country practice officially started today. i'm insane, i'm insane, i'm insane but really tan. oh and i went to the library. must read as many books as possible before school locks my schedule down again oh and also new itunes gift cards for my birthday. if the world ever wanted the simplest way to make me happy, it would be called free itunes for life. all the other ways to make me happy are difficult and have names like no more world hunger, and an end to genocide and human trafficking and wars.

love moi.

we all started yelling when we smelled the beach
couldn't wait to try our fake ids,
we only had a few days
and a whole lot of memories to make...

this summer i let go.

you might know i work at a summer camp as a junior counselor, at the best place on earth. i mostly work with the horses at the barn, teaching riding lessons and things. you might also know that i live for this. i was meant to sleep outside, to walk ten miles in a day, to cook every meal over a fire, to swim and ride and dance and shower twice a week. i absolutely love this place, and every single summer i meet the most amazing people. seriously, there were twenty junior counselors, and only one or two i could have done without. i. miss. these. crazy. people. so much.

so that's where i spent the last month. renaming myself. relearning myself. becoming myself. completely escaping the real world. i finally got the space and the state of mind to figure out who i am again, and i am so thankful for that. i feel like i can deal with the real world, with the upcoming school stuff, with everything else again. it was only four weeks, but it felt like so much more and at the same time, not long enough. we slept too little, sang constantly, jumped in pools with our clothes on and took pictures of everything. we were all best friends, we were young and restless and living in the woods on our own. i wouldn't have traded a second of it.

anyway, i'm in the midst of going through my 200some deviations and messages. patience plz i still adore you guys. i'll write something for you soon, and it will be like. exploding with hopefulness. and wildness. and youth. god it feels good to feel this good again.

oh man, we were living
didn't wait for a minute-
we swam and drank and talked and said goodbye
we laughed until we cried...